Thursday, November 22, 2012

Texting Wars

Loki: Happy Thanksgiving all! There are many things I am thankful for. I feel very blessed and overflowing with love and gush gush. Anyway moving on... as you all know this last weekend we took Bess on a surprise visit to Dallas for her birthday (more on that later)... and it was becoming very stressful planning everything. I received a phone call the day before at my work from dear Stella. It was not a pleasant phone call. Stella never really makes phone calls so either she is excited about something or mad. She proceeded to yell at me about what time we would be leaving the next morning for said trip. I didnt care what time we left...whatever I said. She continued to holler at me and be rude and so I snapped that she was the one who called me to yell at me at work. She hung up. Then the following happend:

Stella: Next time I see you I'm going to spit in your face.

Loki: Just try. I'll punch you in the ovary.

L: We can leave whenever I dooooooooont care.

S: Oh so you think you're a Dr now and can accurately hit the overies?

S: Yes its up to you. You're the one that has to get your rumpus up and drop off that mean little cuss of yours.

L: Um...RUDE. I'm not sure I want to spend the next 3 days with you in your adolescent lime green pants. PS I dont have to be a doctor to know where my ovaries are...DUH!

S: I forgot you like to perform self examines. And I can't help it if you dress in scrubs aka pajamas and I dont.

S: Exams

L: Good one. That made a lot of snese. So you spit in my face and I will punch you in the ovary. This has nothing to do with "pajama" pants. You should try it, they are quite comfortable.

S: You are a jerk.

S: Why dont you go coordinate a meal

L: You are the one who called and screamed at me. I can get the car whenever anytime. and you texted ME you were gonna spit in my face....thats pretty jerkish.

Then apparently all was resolved for awhile...

S: I will but I doubt I'll be able to get her dressed by 9. She will want to start our workout then. And what about our Bob workout?

L: Who freakin cares!

S: You're a crappy supporter of our health.

Loki: I am thankful for my sister for there is no one else that I can speak and be spoken to so rudely and still know that we love each other.


Hope everyone has enjoyed their Thanksgiving. Stella is too busy to write anything with me and I am afraid our posting will once again be few and far between. Perhaps I can just continue to entertain you with our loving text messages to each other. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Woodland Creatures

Loki: Hi, Loki here. I was just pinteresting and thinking that I could probably be doing something more productive with my time, so here I am. OH Stella where have you been? Since my new work schedule I have hardly had time to look my dear sister in the face. She is busy, I am busy and I have yet to catch up with her. So how are things?
I don't have anything particular to talk about other than ramble on about my new gym or perhaps the kind of kool-aid I have been drinking while working at this Chiropractic office. I can tell you that this is the first time I have actually been alone at the front desk. It is a Friday so the doctors have left for the day and the other 2 girls are in massages. The other 2 therapists are out of the office today because one of them is getting "sexy" pictures taken of herself....and apparently needs her friend there for encouragement. We have been having a good time making fun of her because I think this is ridiculous. She is spending like $600 for these photos that she won't be able to frame and I just don't get what the point is of having 50 different poses of yourself looking "sexy". She (did I name her yet?) even received an instructional video on how to smile seductively and how to position her head while looking back at the camera without wrinkling her forehead. I know girls do this as wedding presents for their husbands and I guess I still thought it was silly but less odd. We (meaning the ENTIRE office) has had to listen to her chatter nonstop about which outfits she is going to wear, which poses she is going to do, how she can't wait and you just know she is going to show them off. Bleh.

Loki: Well how odd.... It was Christmas time when I wrote that and now it is Summer time! We sure have taken a break from the blog. I thought I would get on here and see if we can drum up some more blogs. You know, to entertain our mother.

Loki: Looky looky...it is now almost christmas time again. Maybe I can get Stella to comment on this one again as I find it quite humorous. I would like to add that this girl that took the sexy photos is no longer with the man she gave an album full  of almost naked pictures. What a shame. Please do tell me what you would like for Christmas... although I find it almost painful thinking about Christmas shopping....already, again.

Stella: I don't understand why you named this blog "Woodland Creatures." What does that even mean? I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to add to this. Talk about sexy pictures?? Okay. Did you know that women did this even in the 90's ? This is not a new thing. Why yes, even ole Nana Bess got some Glamor Shots made of herself to give to her husband. She wore a sexy little white wife beater and big ole red earrings and red lipstick. Va va voom. She also sported a snazzy black leather jacket with a matching cap. Ha! The thought alone makes me laugh. In one shot, she's holding the jacket open and showing off her bare chest. I think so anyway. I'm trying to block that part out in my mental image/memory. All I know is that Dad still has one of them up by his bed. I bet Cougar & Choc Chip had some made too. In fact, they probably all went together and lugged us bratty kids with them. "You rug rats just sit and play over there while we model. We've been stuck in the house all day with you and we never get to even put on make-up! The only thing we do for fun is clean Bess's house. Loki, where are your shoes? Why are you wearing your Grandmother's shoes? Stella, quit whining. Bearded Man, quit telling whoppers." (LET ME CLARIFY: This is NOT a picture of Nana Bess. But I'm pretty sure this lady, Bertha, is wearing the exact same outfit.)

Loki: Yes when you put it that way I guess "sexy pictures" arent as wonky as I thought. Except mom took them for her HUSBAND...NOT boyfriend! That's a big difference. Also I think they are a bit more revealing now days. But who knows I have tried to block out mom's sexy pictures as well from my memory.  Woodland creatures is something that Kung Fu Achi and Meals on Wheels used to discuss all the time. They were obsessed with the little squirrel or chimpmunk figurings they call woodland creature. I was just pulling a name out of thin air and that day (a year ago) that is what I came up with. You know I know it has been awhile but part of our schtick was that we named the posts a little crazy...usually something that had nothing to do with actual material. Speaking of woodland creatues, Meals on Wheels loves that stuff. I swear when she picks things out of magazines that she thinks look cute, I look at her like she has two heads. She has an 80 year olds sense of style when it comes to such things. It is rather entertaining to me. Kung Fu Achi usually agrees with her but she is able to make it look modern. That girl has a gift of design. "Hey, if you're chiropractic career falls through, you could always be a interior designer", people have actually said to her. Which is really the most bizarre thing you could say to a doctor. Hmmm there you go. I just gave you 3 different topics in one person. You may now comment on whichever you choose.

Stella: Maybe you should clarify for the readers who Meals on Wheels is. Guess I will. This is the girl that works with Loki that I nick named not too long ago when she was being a goody-goody-happy-helper wanting to feed everybody when Kung Fu Achi was in the hospital. It was annoying. It was not meant as a term of endearment. But I really only said it to Loki until she started calling her that too. It was a game of mine. How many times can I refer to her as 'Meals on Wheels' before Loki starts calling her that too? Well, it worked. Just took about 7 times and guess what?! It stuck. She's also the same girl that watched "Magic Mike" with us and buried her head in the pillow when Channing Tatum danced. Um, aren't you married? He wasn't naked. It was probably just as provocative as he danced in "Step Up."  Come on, now. She's weird. She's got weird ideas. I don't like people with ideas. I'm an old grouch. Anyhow, back to the subject on hand, which I guess is now how Loki's friends like owls? I like birds. But not owls. They're creepy, nocturnal, creatures that  scoop down and pick up mice to eat, and why in the world is that now a cute and cuddly creature? Believe me, I see stupid owls on everything where I work. And mustaches. Oh for the love of Pete, I wish the mustache crazy goes away soon. We just got in some edible mustaches yesterday. Grape flavored. Doesn't that sound appetizing? Gag. Not to mention Mustache lip balm, necklaces, tshirts..Ugh. Go away. Okay, back to the REAL subject (not Loki's a.d.d. topic) I'd never take pictures like that. Sick. I bet Saucy would though... if she hasn't already. Bahahha. Sorry to throw you under the bus there, honey, but we all know you love to give the camera that sultry, seductive smile of yours.

Loki: Umm didnt you buy your daughter a mustache necklace? Yak. I hate them. I think they were cute for like 40 seconds and then I was completely over them. I do think that because I have a girl, I have no idea what makes for cute boy ideas. Who in the world wants to eat a mustache? Grape flavored or not?! I actually really despise the name Meals on Wheels. I just havent thought of a better name for her. She is my friend so stop it... and she was just being helpful and nice. AND I think I actually brought them more food than she did and somehow you only had annoyance for her. I also know for a fact you called her that to make me mad. You tried to say it 500 times and was going to keep it up until I acknowledged that you were being rude. Which I did. I meant to change her name here because I know her feelings would be hurt if she knew you called her that. She likes you STELLA. No one said anything about OWLS. I said squirrels and birds. Birds. Birds. Birds. I think real owls are creepy. Their heads can move in circles (maybe thats just cartoons) and they HOOOO at you (maybe thats cartoons too). I do however like printed owls. Those are cute. ---- and I bet you would take photos like that. After you ran a marathon....and for a wedding present.

Stella: "She's my friend, so stop it!" Hello, I'm your sister. You better defend me. You brat. I'm gonna nick name you "FEED THE CHILDREN." And now you two can start a food bank together & save the world. Good luck. I wish you the best. Be sure to include an owl in your logo.
 
 
Who else knows the words to "Moon River?"

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Bantering Sisters are BAAAACK!

Stella: You know it wouldn't be fair if I didn't let Loki get in on this banter. The girl has been waiting for a year now to write something with me. It's the least I can do. So this is me being a good sister.

After I posted the latest blog, Loki shows up at our house and starts demanding to see these guys in her usual bossy, loud, opinionated way. I guess she thinks I'm exaggerating. So I agree to indulge her idea that maybe there is someone out there that I missed. Well, the girl is nuts. I pull up the photos of some of these chaps and immediately she starts screaming at me, "What about HIM?! He's.... sorta.... cute! Add him to your favorites!" or "He's not THAT bad. Email him!" or "He could grow on you! Talk to him!" She's ridiculous. At this point, I would pull up a second photo. Now, this is the killer-the second photo. As I have already said, the first photo that you select as your profile pic is going to be the most attractive you can possibly look. But you have to be equally good looking in the following pictures to be considered attractive. However, that is never the case. In the second or third or even fourth picture, you get a better idea of what they really look like. (ie, baldness, overweight, missing teeth.) Then you realize, Oh. That first picture was kind of deceiving. At least I tried though. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. What more can I possibly do? Now could you just imagine Loki trying to meet a guy online? No. It wouldn't happen.

Loki: Why Hello there blogger world. It has been way too looooong! What you do not know is that I have been periodically trying to start and write blogs and they have just sat there.... waiting on Stella. She would never budge. So to my utter surprise she texts me that she has written a blog and posted it. If I had her talents I would have been entertaining you week after week with my solo banter. You dear reader, would have been bored with my relentless whining about wanting a baby and my husband. Things could be worse I suppose. I could be searching for my soulmate on the internet.
Ding.
Just kidding Stella! I quite enjoyed the post and am rather excited that she has decided to venture to online dating. I don't  think that she can call it online dating unless she actually goes out on a date. Hence the dating part. I told her that she is not allowed to check this off as "attempted" until she does actually particpate in the website. I dont think she should have to settle and go on a date with someone she isnt remotely attracted to, but she should at least pay the stinkin $30 to accept these emails and perhaps actually try and get to know someone. (yes yes it would be difficult finding the true person, but you should be able to weed out the psychos through email ). It may take awhile for them to be up to her standards (I could make a joke right here...but will not) but surely some man will catch her fancy. I am also pretty sure there have been multiple "donations" for Stella to continue down this road. And why might I ask would it be funny imagining me trying to meet a guy online?!

Stella: I'm sorry, but I don't think you ever "dated" anyone yourself after high school. High school relationships do not count. Neither does meeting a man up at a bar. Drinking does not equal dating. So why am I supposed to go to these awkward, embarrassing dates with complete strangers? You want me to die. That's it. I'm already putting my life in jeopardy by joining this site. The whole point was that I gave it a try. T-R-Y. I feel like I need to go marry one of these guys to please you. You are just never pleased with me. I just can never do enough. I forgot to mention previously how Loki & Kung Fu Achi tried to set me up with Michael Jackson's nose twin already. And even this didn't please her because I didn't like him. I actually only agreed to this ludacris meeting because I was enticed with the idea of eating baked potato soup. But the soup was terrible and so was the guy. He is probably the biggest nerd I've ever met. Like he has the award framed and mounted on his wall and he is proud of it. And like I said, the nose was 100 times smaller than mine. It is quite possibly the tiniest nose I've ever seen. I doubt it has grown since he was an infant. He probably needs to have that checked out. This is an immediate disqualification in my book. His nose has to be larger or at least the same size as mine. I don't care if his butt is bigger.. Okay, I do. That should be bigger also. But I'm really more concerned about the nose. What if we had a child and they came out with a huge snoz? Then everyone would be like, "Aw.. he has his mom's nose!" Ah! Terrible! At least this way I could blame it on the dad. Well, I'm going back to my online shopping now.


Loki: Oh Stella! You do have a nose complex. I will admit that I didnt really know Michael Jackson's nose twin and the more I find out about him the more I do not like him. He is very conceited....and one of those guys that really shouldnt be.  I have gathered this information just by him coming in the office here. He thinks we should make more time for him "wink wink" . Umm... "No I said we only have 30 minutes available...not 45 minutes". Anyway yes you are right...I have not had to be a mature grown woman and actually date someone. It would be quite difficult, Yes. I just had to worry about the important things, like did he look cute, did he buy my drinks, and did my friends like him. Yes those were the important things in life when I was 20! Prior to 20 I had me some other relationships... but they too were way too serious to talk about. Pshh ya know we sat around in the apartment and ate pizza and watched a movie. Not exactly dating. So you are right. I would not know how to date at this point in my life. It would be very awkward. I do feel terribly sorry for you but that isnt going to get you a man either. and again... you did not give it a T-R-Y by just pulling up pictures of "available men". You might as well search on facebook for all "single" men in OKC. If you arent going to actually talk to someone and attempt to find a guy worth meeting in person than its not considered a TRY! What about speed dating? Im sure you can divulge much information out of someone in 30 seconds. Surely you can meet the man of your dreams that way.  (CLEARLY MEETING A MAN AT A BAR WORKED OUT FOR ME......RUDE) (this worked for me....again, I was 20! Not a mother of 30)

Stella: I forgot to mention that all the men that Loki thought were attractive on the online dating site were none other than Big T look-alikes. A younger, scrawnier, uglier version of my brother-in-law? No thank you. Also, she later found out MJ's nose twin was not even single! Uh, could you find that out first next time before you drag me somewhere? I guess that wasn't AS BAD as Mom's friend, FrogTails&Snails&Puppy-Something-or-Another, who tried to set me up with someone I was semi-related to! She did look through all her facebook friends for single men to set me up with and the only one she came up with was someone she knew in the 11th grade. I guess she didn't realize that people change from the time they are a junior in high school to age 33... Ha. And then lo and behold, it turns out his brother is married to my cousin. Ew. I know too much about that family to even look past that. Small noses and incest. These are my options? Help me, Rhonda. But I do have to give her an A for effort. It was the thought that counts I suppose.

Loki: That is not true. I think maybe one of those "attractive" men on the website was an ugly version of Big T. Clearly you are exaggerating. Im pretty sure if Channing Tatum or Ryan Reynolds was on there I would pick them too....and be sad that my husband does not look like them. And again this is all superficial stuff here. You have to actually get to know the person and of course if you like them, they become cuter to you. Good qualities in a husband is not just good-lookin. Or is it?

Who wants to marry him?!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Online Dating Hating



Hello? Is there anyone out there? It’s me… Stella. Do you guys even remember which one of us is Stella? Well, you’ll catch on soon enough if you have forgotten. It has been sooo long. A year, really? Has it really been a year? Guess it has been a pretty busy and hectic year with no time left for blogging. But what can I say? I am just in the mood. (As Loki would want to point out at this point, apparently my moods can last up to a year. Loser.) I bet you guys have missed this bright orange screen. I thought about updating it, but thought it might loose some of its old familiar appeal. Anyhow, as you all know, over the course of this past year, I have found the love of my life. I have moved away to be with him and we are living as a happy little family with our puuuuurfect fairy tale ending. Oh, and I’m expecting our first son in April!!!!

Yes, it is too bad that none of that is true. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I am in exactly the same spot that we left off at. No man in my life. No dates. No suitors. Alone. Lonely. And getting older every single day. WAH!

Maybe I just really wanted someone to listen to me gripe today… So here it goes. The reason why I am still single. And of course, it’s so obvious. I don’t go anywhere to meet men. Unfortunately, men do not come into my work. If they do, they are accompanied by their wife and children and I stare and look at them longingly. I suppose I could switch career paths in hopes of meeting a single man, but alas, that’s just too much work. For me. Who doesn’t want to work. Continuing on with number one, there are no single men at my church. This is supposed to be the PERFECT place to meet a ‘Godly’ man, but no. (There happens to be one single man left, but I am sad to say that I am just not attracted to him. For Saucy, this is great news as she thinks he is da bomb. Her words, not mine.) Again, I don’t know where I could possibly meet a decent man. In a bar? No. I don’t drink and I don’t want to be hit on by men who are drinking. "Hi, nice to meet you. I see you have three shots of whiskey there. Do you want to be the spiritual leader for my family?" Call me crazy but this just seems to be a problem. So much so that I find myself walking around Walmart looking up and down the aisles. Is he in here? Nope. That definitely ain’t him. Maybe I should try Lowe’s… a grocery store? This is how people meet in shows… Nope. I’ve tried. He’s not out shopping.

So I started thinking… Where and how am I going to meet a man? I can’t even find one man to even say hello too. Singular. One man. Hello. That would be a start. And let me just tell you how much I just love hearing married people’s advice. “You don’t PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!” they scold me. Where exactly is this wonderful place I'm supposed to be putting myself? Please, let me know. Out on the side of the street? Is that what they are referring to? And of course, I tried the whole blind date thing and we all know how that turned out. Everyone’s next go-to answer is, “You should try online dating!” “Why yes!” I say back. “That’s a great way to meet a stalker or serial killer. Just what I’m looking for!” I mean, anyone who has ever taken a class on Dangerous & Violent Offenders knows the kinds of crazy people out there. When it comes to strangers, it’s always good to be a little paranoid, right? Right??!!

So I keep waiting… and waiting.. and waiting… ho hum ho hum. I run a marathon. Ho hum… Where is he? Still waiting… (Sorry, I just wanted to throw that part in there since no one has written an entire blog on how wonderful I am in over a year either and I have ran a marathon!) Then I realize. I’ve been single for 3 years. And it’s been over a year since I went on a date. Even the gay home decorators on HGTV are starting to look attractive… THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS A REAL PROBLEM.

So I came to the conclusion that since my number one problem was not being able to meet a man, I should just try the online dating thing and see if I can find/see a man that looks worthwhile or interesting. And that way, I can at least tell people to shut up when they suggest it to me.

Not knowing which dating service to chose, I go with Christian Mingle.com. Why? It's free and I figure I can eliminate all the liberal/Satan worshipping single men right away. So I click on the link and begin to create a login. And it is humiliating. Oh my. What am I doing? Has it really come to this? I start clicking through the pages of my profile. Describe Yourself. What are you looking for in a partner? Oh geez. I can not really be doing this. I type in, “I’m skipping this part for now…” And go on. I figured that men don’t care about what the women have to say. They are just looking at the pictures. So I click to add some photos.

Now trying to decide which picture you look your absolute best in is quite tricky. Do I want to look like a teenager by posting a snazzy self-portrait taken with my cell phone in my car? Or do I want to do a whole body shot like ‘just look at my body and not my face' ? Should I include my child? Should I crop out a little more of my arm so that it looks slimmer? So whatever. I add some photos. No men have even looked at me in years so what do I care about what these online nerds think about me? By this point, I’m very discouraged. This is plain embarrassing. Then before I know it, my inbox starts popping up notifications.

Now apparently flirting works differently in the online dating realm. You stalk someone’s picture/profile down and afterwards if you like what you see you can A. Send them an instant message to chat if they’re online. B. Send them an email/message. C. Send them a “Smile.” I guess sending someone a smile is like letting them know you are interested without having to fully put yourself out there with written words. And to my surprise, I start getting smiles sent to me. "Whoa, buddy. I’m hot stuff," I start thinking to myself. Then I make the mistake of looking to see who was sending me these wonderful, self-esteem boosting smiles. Oh My Gosh.

 

Yes, ladies. It was THAT bad. Most of these doofuses are from none other than our great state. Most of them are 23-45. And all…. Oh, so…. Unattractive. Suddenly I start feeling super… superficial. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe I should look past those 80 extra lbs or that …. Face…. More than one man had posted their profile pic as their family's church directory photo. Him being a grown man with his two parents. Isn't it my duty to let them know this is a bad, bad idea? Someone should help them. I start reading some of the profile info for these fellers. One guy only wanted a fellow teacher wife so that they could have the same days off. Way to be specific, dude. Another one filled it out like his job application. “I am a very motivated and career oriented person.” I felt the need to ask him if he ever was in a situation where there was a conflict with a coworker or customer and how he handled it… A lot of them wrote things about Jesus and God and that’s all great. I just couldn’t help but laughing at all the other self-promoting things they wrote about themselves .. or just the weird random things they shared about themselves.

Here is one example:

“Well, I'm really not sure how to begin. I am a very
faithful white man I love the lake (mainly on my boat), I love to ride my motorcycle, I love going out to eat (I cant cook), I don't do drugs, I love kids (but have none of my own). Kinda would like to have my own but not a requirement. ha ha. I lovemusic and movies. Walks are great after dinner. I have a great job, transportation, my own home, motorcycle, and boat. I don't wanna quick hook-up for sex. I am single but I don't need a woman. I just would like to have one to share my life with. The woman I do end up will never be lonely, I'll be there for her through anything. I am very affectionate. Love to snuggle up on the couch and watch movies.”

Yep. Here he is. After all this time. The man of my dreams. White man who can’t cook, loves to snuggle, and owns transportation. Hah.  The following is another man’s description on what he wanted in a woman:

“I want the type of girl who would work 2 jobs as a single mom and still spend all of her freetime with her child, putting friends and family first above her self,sacrificing sleep and time to help someone in need. A girl who likes to have fun, she will try almost anything but she knows when something else is more important. must like bikes,lol jk must not be bipolar,selfish or stuck up I have met very few girls who fit this and sadly they got away. think you have what it takes?”

Uh, no. For one thing, your run-on sentences and lack of correct punctuation are a complete turn-off. And work two jobs? Are you crazy?! Not to mention he thinks you should sacrifice sleep. Hey buddy, sleep is the one good thing I get to enjoy in life. I agree that I’d also like a companion who is not bipolar, self or stuck-up but isn’t that kind of a random grouping of qualities?

Then after I had been browsing for awhile, I started getting emails as well. Unfortunately, you can’t view these emails without paying a fee. Yep, $30 a month. So much for being free. Uh, no thanks. But the subject lines were interesting nonetheless. “Hi.” “Hey” “WOW!” “I so get that!” and “Wow.” Again, I really appreciate the wow’s. Keep them coming. So I start to just imagine that the emails would read something like this:

“WOW! Are you really single? It is probably too good to be true. You are so gorgeous! I have never seen a more beautiful woman. What the heck are you doing on a dating website? I feel like I just won the lottery. Please, please, please give me a chance!”

I even imagine that one of them might even include a marriage proposal… It was then decided that pretending what these corny emails say was probably better than actually reading them. So I decided to not invest in the full membership package. I’ll save my thirty bucks for a new shirt to wear to work… (that no man will ever see.)

Another activity you can participate in is the “Color Code” quiz so when your name pops up, others can see what personality/temperament you have. I took this quiz for research purposes only. Because I truly believe I am a rainbow… a beautiful, shining array of all the colors in the world. But really, I am a BLUE personality.

And here is what I learned:

As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life. BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Now here's a handsome fella in blue.

Yes, yes. These are all great things. But where exactly are the attractive men?! Then I discovered that you can track who has ‘added you as a favorite.’ This alone just creeps me out. You added me as a favorite? As in you are going to stalk me and try to find out where I live and come cut me up to store in your freezer to eat down in your basement when you think the world is ending? Oh heck no. Right about that time I get a chat request from someone named ‘McGrizzly’ and I think, “No freaking way! I’m not about to talk to some weirdo online.” Haha. Yep. Kinda defeats the whole point in online dating, I know. But I'm not doing it. However, instead of immediately deleting my account, I figured that I would give it one good solid week. One good week of creeping through stranger's pictures, reading their thoughts and their every heart’s desires listed out for anyone to see... So yes. I have looked through hundreds of photos with no one striking my fancy. The most attractive man that sent me an email was from Arkansas. No offense, but I’m not moving Arkansas so it's not even worth reading. And again, can I just reiterate that none of them cared that I didn’t write anything about myself. But I figure that I got about a 30% approval rating. Which doesn’t matter anyway since it just means that a bunch of men that I find completely unattractive find me attractive. Conclusion: This is NOT ever going to work. Like, EVER. I feel like I am waiting on a train that’s never coming… Until then, I will just go sulk with my new Taylor Swift c.d. and stare up at the ceiling fan.


284 views

25 emails

44 smiles

5 added you to Favorites

Online Dating: FAIL



 Now go out and vote tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Gross-O

Hello everyone! Please enjoy a riveting convo between Stella and Loki. It should bring back some fond memories for some of you.


Stella: I will think you are the best sister ever and not a best friend stealer if you bring me a McD's $1 large diet soda and some tylenol or med on your way home.

Stella: Have you been hoisting my hair clips also? Im missing 3

Loki: Ummm...NO

L: I just got your dt soda plea when I turned on my phone. Sorry for not bring you a soda and I am not a best friend stealer.

S: Oh so you only take jewelry without asking.

L: No you hooch. I wore your necklace today...that's it. You said you never wear it. I meant to take it off when I got Blue but I forgot. Apologies. I will give it to you tomorrow.

S: Yeah you can keep it.

L: What?! Why are you giving me grief then? Do you work tomorrow?

S; No off until Monday. And because I am missing 3 clips.

L: Promise I haven't touched your clips. Do you have a good curling iron?

S; Mom might. I haven't curled my hair since the 9th grade.

L: Oh so not cool? I was going to try and be pretty tomorrow night.

S:  No people still curl their hair. Hah just not my puff ball.

L: OH well ok. I bought a shirt at Kohl's. Reminds me of your target shirt (the one Saucy and I have too) not the style but the coloring.

S: Oh cool. Fabulous.

L: I want to be just like you.

S: Who doesn't?

L: So true

S: Watching water for elephants. I liked the book much better.

L: I re read and re watched. Book is better but I liked the movie.

L: Do you know that I can still squeeze milk out of my boob? Well only droplets but still when does THAT go away?
S: Ewwwwww

S: Um I am pretty sure I never had that problem.

S: Please tell me you wrote that on a blog. haha

L: What you never had milk come out? You did breastfeed just as long as I did. So I seriously was wondering when that went away.
 S: No although I am sure I never tried to see. I do not frequently squeeze my own nipples.

L: I'm hating my boobs right now. None of my bras are fit... I keep thinking they will deflate some or go down since they aren't filling up with food but NOPE>

S: Or did Big T discover that? Ah ha ha SICK!!!


L: haha well I was just checking. I don't check every day or anything. Gah.

L: Ewwwww

L: Now you are disturbing me.

S: Yep. They are disguisting. Mine are too. Now they're even tinier since I've been running. I just need 7 grand to get em fixed.

L: Try Now

S: No way

S:: It's been 4 years.

S: I swear they didn't

L: I haven't heard you complain about that. I hadn't noticed. I think big boobs can make you look bigger anyway. Just do it.

L: Give em a little tug

L: If you do get fakers do I get to see them?

L: that sounded pervy...its not though.

S: Ha yes. I will even let you squeeze em yourself. ha

S: No I am going to bed Gross-O

L: Well ok then. Me too and I dont want to talk about boobs anymore.

L: See you tomorrow. Have sweet dreams of Rob.

L: and boobs.

Tell me what you dream of?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

What's so Pinteresting about Pinterest?

Our Aunt Small Town has prepared a blog for you readers...for those of you who still click on our page to see if we have written anything interesting (and we have not). Sorry for the lull in blogging. We are 2 very busy working moms right now and without the comfort of a really boring job and sitting in front of a computer 8 hours a day we have neglected this blog. I (Loki) am still really enjoying my job and am still getting used to working full time and trying to not fall asleep on the couch at 9 after we put Blue to bed. Hope you enjoy!



So the new thing online is Pinterest. Maybe it’s not so new but it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I saw the word mentioned on facebook and noticed an increase in “boxed” inspiring messages, that I decided to check it out. I liken it to browsing an unending magazine of random things all put together. In other words, a time waster. Stylish outfits, beautiful rooms, craft ideas, t-shirt makeovers, photo ideas, knitting ideas, recipes, inspiring quotes, funny comics, etc. And it just goes on and on. Thankfully you can click at the top to see certain categories. My favorite is DIY crafts. I don’t know why, because I don’t have any extra cash to spend on crafts nor do I have any nearby craft stores. But nevertheless, I like to see things that I could make if I had the time and money and availability to a store to make them.

Here are a few of my favorite things on Pinterest.

First, let’s just say some very interesting sweet treat recipes. I haven’t made any of them, but I have seen the recipe of putting oreos on top of chocolate chip cookie dough (in a pan) and then layering brownie mix on top of that. Wow.. that sounds delicious. I have also seen that you can make really easy pumpkin cupcakes by simply mixing a yellow cake mix with a can of pumpkin. I love easy and simple, but do they really taste good? I haven’t tried that one because I already have my Mom’s pumpkin muffin recipe that I like. Another idea is wrapping a wonton wrapper around a string cheese to make a healthier version of fried cheese. I don’t know if I’ll ever do that one but it sounds easy enough. So again, I like finding recipes that look good, but that I will probably never make.

Another favorite is photo ideas. Only a lot of these are for baby announcements or newborn baby photos or wedding photos. I am done with that part of my life, but my favorite announcement idea is the one with the very pregnant Mom laying horizontally with the Mom holding the baby’s name on top of her belly. Then the picture right below is the Mom laying horizontally with the baby curled up where he or she used to be on top of the Mom’s belly. So cute. (Mentioning the word horizontally brings up a disturbing family photo idea where the family is all laying on top of each other horizontally starting with the Dad, then Mom to the youngest kid on top.. did I mention they’re laying on top of each other naked???? That is just weird! You do have to watch out for weird or inappropriate pins). I have even seen some of these clever photo ideas popping up in friends’ fb photo sessions (I’m thinking one of Stella right now).

Lastly I do enjoy saving quotes or word d├ęcor. One that I hope to do someday is for my girls’ room. The quote says “A girl without freckles is like a night without stars.” I love that. And another quote “GOOD MOMS HAVE STICKY FLOORS, MESSY KITCHENS, LAUNDY PILES, DIRTY OVENS AND HAPPY KIDS.”Or this one, “God’s 3 Answers to Prayers: 1)Yes, 2) Not Yet, 3) I have something better in mind.” I haveseveral more but the last one to mention is one of the several “In this House” quotes. One that I like says “IN THIS HOUSE we do GRACE, we do KIND WORDS, we do I’M SORRY, we do LOUD really well, we do PRAYER, we do HUGS, we do LAUGHTER, we do LOVE.”

Loki: I just wanted to chime in here and agree that I have drank the Pintrest kool-aid. I love it. I love finding all these cute craft things and yes even recipes. I also enjoying 'pinning' places I want to go. My sister in law had a really cute Halloween party and she had several decor things that she got from pinterest. I have also already made a wreath for Christmas (teal and red..LOOOOVE) , some hanging balls (hahah)...they are made with yarn, balloons, and glue. I can dangle these decorations or even put Christmas lights in them and hang them up. I have also gotten some good Christmas gift ideas...like making sugar foot scrub and salt dough ornaments made with Blue's handprint imprinted. I love some of the food ideas too...I have made a buffalo chicken crockpot recipe I found and I am dying to make these baked avocado fries. YUMM. I can tell you right now that Stella has refused to get on this site...and I don't know why because she would LOVE it.

So what are the favorite things you have found on Pinterest?

P.S. I had to post this at work as Stella is gone as well...so we will add snazzy photo's later.

CAN I JUST SAY WHOOP WHOOP! Tonight is Breaking Dawn at Midnight...we are so excited!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Working Woman

Loki: "Green Family Chiropractic...I mean Back and Body Works... previously Serenity Day Spa. This is Loki speaking..."
        
So I suppose it is my turn to tell you all about my new job. Let's say that I am pretty much loving it. I am the "office manager" of a chiropractic/massage office. Yes, that's right. There are two different businesses where I work, which means I have a total of 4 bosses. Can I also just mention that I am the only employee on the chiropractic side and one of three on the massage side? Making me the only office girl. It has been a workout for my brain as I am learning a whole new world. Line 1- Chiro.. Line 2- Massage.  I have to check patients in and out, file their insurance, track claims, book appointments on like 4 different schedules, and try to figure out what each one pays based on their benefits.... and I fold laundry. I also have to decode what it means when Dr. Betty Lou says her diagnosis is 728.85 and the case is Lumbago or Cervicagia, and that she performed a 98941. (can I also mention that Mr Dr. Betty Lou calls the perfomed a SM3 or TA). It's all quite confusing I tell you. I am sure I felt the same way when I had to learn the life insurance business. It will become second nature to me some day. Okay, so that is basically my duties. They have also been without an office manager for a month so a lot of the mundane things have been piling up so I got to take care of all of that. I also walked in and saw a desk with stuff piled up so high on it that looked it reminded me of Shaky's, or Smokey's or the Alcoholic's (or whatever we used to call those people from our previous job although I guess only Stella will get this reference...) but let me just say it was bad. I told them that Stella would have a fit if she saw that desk. Although I may not be very organized at home, I am at work. This drove me crazy for about a week...I had to refrain myself from throwing things away and shoving piles at people and demand that they tell me what I can do with it. The desk now is better...not totally to my liking but you can actually see it now.

Now to the fun part... let me tell you about these people I work with. I noticed an odd thing happening... a lot of the time their normal voices would transform into baby talk. Not talking about babies but talking LIKE babies...to each other. There are no babies in sight when this happens and it happens all the time. The main offenders...37 and 47 year old women. I pointed this out to Betty Lou (who is not a baby talker) and she started laughing so hard she snorted. It just confuses me and if I start talking like that...shoot me. One of the girls (or woman) is very proud of herself. As in she thinks she is HOT STUFF. She always finds a way to lift up her shirt (I guess to adjust her scrubs) and expose her midsection. I just don't get it. She wears really tight shirts as well and we are in the process of ordering more shirts and she has already declared she needs a smaller size. Sheesh. There is another girl (who is not my boss) and she is a character. There is really no way for me to describe her...she talks weird, says weird things, complains when she is busy, complains when she isn't, and just has a very odd personality. She is one of those fugly girls that looks like she is 40 but is really only 20. Okay that wasn't nice but I just had to, like Stella said...it's the truth.

I really do like Betty Lou (well duh) and her mister mister. They are really my bosses...which if I think about it too much it could be weird and maybe degrading...but I don't feel like that. There is professional Betty Lou and KG and then they get on the IM and become children. Especially KG (this is not a good name for him, we shall make a better one later.) They left early one afternoon and as I am sitting at the desk a Microsoft Word blank document pops up and says "Hi Loki....I'm watching you....bahahha." It was like a freaky scary movie.. Apparently, he can remote access my computer. It freaked me out.  

That is all I have for now...as I have only been working 2 weeks. I have missed Blue very much but it has been different this time around. She has been home with her daddy so I haven't had to start hauling her around everywhere. (She scratched poor T's eye so bad he couldnt see correctly and had to go on short term leave at work.) He will be resuming work next week so I will have to drive her out to momma mia's house a few times a week...which isn't so bad since I work right there! I know she is playing and having fun and after about 3 days she gave me a kiss and said bye bye as I left in the morning. Which is great and a little sad since at first she would cling on to me for dear life and look at T and tell him bye...she wanted to go with mommy. I love the weekends again. I also love that I can dress business casual OR wear scrubs. I have yet to build up my scrub collection yet, but soon I will get some t-shirts with the company name and I can wear those with scrub pants taking all of the "what am I going to wear" out of the morning rush. I also don't have to go in until 9, which gives me a little buffer to work out, get ready, and cuddle a bit before heading off on a days work. I have enjoyed having T at home because the roles have swapped and now I get to come home to a clean house and cooked meal. (Although that was really only the case the first week....and every other day after that.) Things will change this coming week and I will have to start planning meals and being the typical working  mom... that's life I suppose.




That's a wrap! Keep trying with those comments everyone! We don't know why they haven't been working, but we miss them!